Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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