Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Everclear isn't food dammit
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
