They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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