He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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