The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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