dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
