I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
