the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
