On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
