I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
