you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
