just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
