$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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