What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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