I was born with a shot glass in my hand
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
