and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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