My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
