You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
