Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
