So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
