Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
