Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
