Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
