When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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