i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
