I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
