it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
