i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
