I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
