You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
