Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
