I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
