Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
