oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
