You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
