i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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