Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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