The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
