K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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