The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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