Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
ok first of all what the fuck
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
