do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
