God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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