I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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