So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
