I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
