Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
A+ Viking dick
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
