Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dignity is for republicans.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
