She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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