I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
