I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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