I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am mentally ready for anal.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
